I’ve been getting ready to write this note for a long time. I didn’t really know what and how to write. On the one hand, I try to always say the truth, whatever it looks like. On the other, looking at all those pink, rainbow-dripping Instagram pregnancy accounts, I didn’t want to be “that complaining one”. Because pregnancy is a blessed state, a state of joy – a woman should be happy, all-smiles and everything, in general, should be superb. The reality, however, is a bit different.
I agree with the statement that pregnancy is a special, magical time. But is it so effortless? I also knew that if I’d wait with a note, I’ll be surprised how its content will change over time.
And now, after 14 months since Emma was born, all I remember from second trimester are frequent doctor visits. But I also remember a long list of “inconveniences” I’ve been dealing with back then. I often heard it something women forget – I didn’t wholly believe that – but now I can fully sign on that. I can’t remember. Not sure if I just erased those not great memories from my head or is it because I haven’t been coming back to them for over a year now. Or maybe those 14 months spent with Emma made me move to a completely different reality? Anyway, I remember other things – how I’ve been observing my growing belly, how I’ve been waiting for USG, how proudly I created a file folder with all the documents and memorabilia from that period. And when I started to put together a layette.
But it was not so as colorful as memory tells me. Some of my posts reminded me that I’ve been sick. And that because you can’t take any decent meds while pregnant – it dragged for several weeks.
The third trimester was the biggest challenge. Spine pain that prevented me from walking my dog. I got commanded to lay down and eliminate all sources of stress. And as far as lying was just annoying because I’m a person that can’t really “do nothing”, it was virtually impossible to eliminate the sources of stress – but I’ll come back to that.
Emmas kicks probably engraved themselves the most in my memory. I counted all the movements and kicks obsessively and watched the tummy going back to its regular shape – it was very emotional for me. I kept thinking how it’s possible that a small person is growing up there, I was full of admiration for myself and all women in general.
On the other hand, I was full of doubts and fears. I wanted Emma to be healthy, wanted everything to be alright, to make a pregnancy full of those inconveniences end happily. I was really stressed up if I would manage.
As you can see from two trimesters, I mostly remember emotions that accompanied me than the pain or situations that physically put me in uncomfortable positions.
I did not write about pregnancy before because I did not like talking about it. Though it may seem stupid, I did not want to jinx it. I was not sure what I was standing on, I could only keep my fingers crossed so that everything would be fine. Life verifies our plans by itself.